It’s a Life Skill

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Just a while ago, I ended a Face Time call with one of my kids. My end of the conversation was mostly encouragement, advice, and some ‘Here’s how I would handle it” type of words. I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of conversation many times. Rarely did I truly listen or apply it. I think that’s because I was in an odd place where I wanted to be sad, mad, or even wallow in my emotions for the time being. It wouldn’t be until later that the words actually seeped in. As a parent, I’m hopeful that my words will seep in too, eventually.

The conversation with my kiddo just solidified what I’ve had on my heart for a while. I’ve considered writing this blog post many times and stopped. This time, I am going for it.

I have never met a person that didn’t go through hard or confusing times when dealing with others. There are so many different types of people in our everyday lives and each one handles situations, confrontations, and interactions differently. Based on our age, profession, and even life experiences, each of us has our own way of facing adversity. This makes difficult situations a bit more difficult.

I am not a confrontational person. I avoid, run, and even hide from confrontation if given the opportunity. What I’ve realized as I’ve aged is that I am not giving myself an opportunity to understand another’s point of view, learn something new, improve myself, or even set the record straight. Much can be gained from just speaking your peace. However, much can be lost for speaking your peace in a disrespectful manner.

Over the years, I’ve advised my kids to respectfully approach their ‘offenders’. In their lives, the ‘offenders’ are generally adults- teachers, coaches, or their dad. My ‘offenders’ are usually co-workers, bosses, my children, or my husband. The approach I take and advise them to take is not a sure-fire win, but it opens the door for conversation and learning opportunities.

A few years ago, I was put in an extremely difficult situation with the principal at my school. The situation reached past me to a few other teachers and a handful of students. The other teachers and I felt that our principal had made the wrong choice, but he was sticking to it. Initially, I took the assignment I was given and only asked a few clarifying questions. After a few days, he checked in and I had many more questions and concerns. I didn’t flat out voice them and fire away at him. I gave reasons for my concerns and assured him I wanted what is best for my students. I let him know that we are all on the same team and I just needed to understand the expectations he had for me and the students. I took the new information and got back to work. However, it wasn’t working any better. I still felt my principal was wrong. I tracked data on the student’s progress and saw a decline. I kept notes on their social interactions and reactions in the situation they were in. When I had my data, I typed up a straightforward email showing the decline in academic achievement and asked for more guidance. Unfortunately, the process went on a bit longer than I would have liked, but it was resolved in the students’ favor. In the end, I had not lost my principal’s respect. I had not lost my job. I had not lost my cool.

When advising my kids about sports, I encourage them to talk to their coaches, not to bring others into the conversation, convey their expectations or goals, and ask for advice on reaching them. When talking to teachers, they need to be respectful and listen. They may not like what is being said, but being open to their point of view is important. Once they’ve done that, they can ask for the same from the teacher.

I often remind my kids that life is unfair. People will treat them unfairly. More important than how they are being treated is how they handle the way they are being treated. I find that to be true with most people and situations I face. Depending on the person or challenge, I may feel like throwing a big two-year-old tantrum. I may even allow that tantrum to play out in my head. I am not very good at hiding emotions. My face tells all. However, I can still react with kindness, respect, and solutions. I can do all that while showing the ‘offenders’ grace.

In doing this, I often find that no actual harm was intended. In many cases, it was a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Not always, but mostly.

As mentioned earlier, I’ve learned these life skills as I’ve aged and from striving to live like Jesus. I don’t think that many of us are taught these life skills as children or teens. I certainly don’t think it is our natural way to face trials.

Here’s my challenge to you… face your next ‘offender’ with respect, kindness, and grace followed by data, relevant information, or solutions. Model this for our youth. Let’s help ourselves and others make the best of each situation.

Remember, it’s not about the challenge, but how you handle the challenge that matters.