Marriage Secret
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Recently, my husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage. We went to dinner and as we sat there talking with our daughter’s college soccer game streaming on my iPad, I began to think about how we got to this place in our marriage.
The Backstory
We married young; he was twenty-two and I was twenty-one. We met and began dating three years earlier. I had just graduated high school and he was in his first year of college. We both played soccer and met on the field. We were opponents, but not for long. We dated for ten months and were only apart for one day during that time.
He was thoughtful. He did everything he could possibly do to put a smile on my face. He showered me with amazing dates, dinners, movies, gifts, compliments….love.
Out of the blue, the relationship ended. We went our separate ways as much as we could, but it was hard. We had classes together at the junior college we attended. We were managing the indoor soccer team we put together. I took some time off from playing, but it didn’t seem to matter. Our lives were intertwined and it was hard on my heart.
Ten months later, he came crawling back. Well, that’s my story. He strongly disagrees. However it happened, it happened.
Fast Forward
He proposed. We married. We lived in a one-bedroom rent house on the back of his parents’ three-acre property. In that first year, his grandmother died and I had knee surgery. We had already stopped going to college and were working full-time. It was rough financially. I remember telling him once that I felt we were living on love because that’s all we had.
He was still thoughtful. He would go out on a cold, rainy night to fill my car with gas just so I wouldn’t have to stop in the morning. He ate my horrendous cooking. He woke me in the middle of the night so I didn’t miss the snow flurries I enjoyed so much. He woke me before he left for work so I could log into AOL and chat with strangers online because he knew that I wouldn’t be able to get a connection later in the day.
If you don’t remember those early days of the internet and have never heard of AOL, you missed out on lots of frustration. This video will give you a taste of the experience.
As the years went on and children came into the picture, our happy little marriage changed. It didn’t get happier or less happy, it simply changed. Our focuses shifted from each other to those two tiny humans we brought into our lives. Honestly, they exhausted us. We both worked full-time jobs and gave our full attention to our bundles of joy until their heads hit their pillows at bedtime. As they grew and entered school and the world of soccer, life got even busier. We tagged team their events to be sure they were always where they needed to be, but that meant less time for ourselves.
During this time in our lives, I noticed that my husband didn’t do those little things that I saw as his actions of love anymore. He didn’t put gas in my car in the middle of the night. He didn’t wake me to see snow flurries. He didn’t even wake me if I overslept. However, he did take an extra turn to wake up with the kids. He would do a late-night run to the store for a last-minute school project. When we needed a newer vehicle, he’d let me have it and he’d take my old one. As our lives changed, so did we. That didn’t mean we loved less. We adapted and showed love in different ways.
The Fights
My husband and I are opposites and disagree on many issues. The main two disagreements we’ve had time and time again were over our raising our children and money. That’s not all that surprising since those two things are huge parts of our lives. Sometimes I would lie in bed at night thinking about our children and the joy they brought to our lives and wonder how they are the root of most of our arguments.
Regardless of the arguments, we always came to a truce. That didn’t mean one won and the other lost. We always tried hard to see the other’s point of view even if we didn’t agree. I didn’t have to like what he said, but I needed to try to understand why he felt the way he did.
Forgiveness and compromise were the keys to resolving our disagreements.
The Trust
We have never given each other a reason to not trust one another. About seven years ago, an old guy friend of mine asked me to meet for coffee to catch up. I knew he was married and lived happily with his wife and five kiddos. I immediately told my husband about it asked if he’d like to join us. He declined because he didn’t know him all that well. I asked if he minded if I went without him. Without hesitation, he said no. The funny part is that my teenage daughter had huge issues with me meeting a guy friend. She was adamant that I was not being fair to her dad and I shouldn’t go. It opened the door for discussion. I explained that mom and dad had trust in each other to always honor the other. I let her know that her dad fully trusted me to keep myself, him and our marriage out of harm’s way. I assured her that I was meeting my friend at Starbucks out in the open where everyone could see us and even invited her along. She declined. I went. All was well.
The Differences
I know couples that are almost identical in personality. My husband and I are not. He has a hot temper and I am level-headed. He’s a Negative Nelly and I’m a Positive Polly. He feels strongly in his views and I am open-minded to new views. He can check out emotionally and I am overly emotional. We’re different. I feel like the term “opposites attract” suits us perfectly.
We don’t watch lots of television shows together and we only agree on movies that are comedies. Other than playing soccer, coaching soccer, and watching our kids play soccer, we have no common interest. We’ve come to realize that isn’t a problem at all. We love spending time together and talking. We also love spending time doing our own thing. I love watching Hallmark movies. He loves to make fun of them. While I am having a Hallmark Christmas marathon curled up under blankets on the couch, he will work outside or in the garage. While he is engaged in some reality fishing show, I’ll read. Other times, we will go for a walk together or go to the mall to people watch.
We accept each other for who we are and look for compromises.
The Love
I fell in love for the first and only time at 19 years of age. The feeling of love has changed over the years. It is no longer butterflies in the stomach, heart in your throat kind of feeling when he holds my hand. Now I feel safe, comfort, and happiness. Holding hands is more of an “I’m here”, “I got you”, and even a simple, “I love you” than an outward expression of affection that it used to be for us.
I spoke to a co-worker about our plans for our 25th wedding anniversary. She was shocked when I told her that we were spending the weekend before and after our anniversary to travel to watch college soccer. Both weekends were important to our daughter and we wanted nothing more than to be there to support her on homecoming court and on senior night. We spent the six-hour drive talking and being together before devoting our time to both of our children and having some family time at a pumpkin patch and later carving pumpkins.
Is this the same for every married couple? Of course not. We’ve found what works for us.
The Secret
There is no full-proof secret that works for every couple. For our marriage, we love whole-heartedly. We cherish our time together but enjoy the company of others especially family. We choose to support and spend time with our children even now that they are adults and in college. We choose to trust each other fully. We choose to forgive and compromise. We search for understanding. We accept our differences. We go to church together. We pray for one another.
Every marriage is different. What works in your marriage? If you’re not married, have you thought about how to handle arguments, raising children, or finances?
35 Comments
Cathy
This is a great post! I enjoyed getting to know you a little more!
Paige
Thank you, Cathy! I am skeptical of putting so much personal writing out there, but I felt bold. LOL
Sandra Joseph
I laughed out loud at him “crawling back” to you! I love reading real relationship stories. This was great! I’m with your husband at laughing at the Hallmark movies!!!
Paige
Truth be told, he did the crawling. Heehee! He tells me that if I’ve seen one Hallmark movie, I’ve seen them all since they have the same storyline and ending just different characters. I don’t mind though. I get all wrapped up in them.
Nicole
Great article . We have been married 8 years so it is interesting to read from your perspective what worked for you!
Paige
Eight years and going strong, I bet. Every marriage is different, but we’ve figured out along the way what works for us. It isn’t perfect, but we are still living happily ever after.
Herstun
I loved so many things about this post. My favorite was that you had a conversation with your teenage daughter about the way you handle disagreements and compromise within your marriage. Those are lessons she may always keep with her.
This post was awesome. Can’t wait to read more!
Paige
You are very encouraging! Thank you for your kind words. My daughter, now 21, was overly concerned with that situation. I hope you’re right and the conversation sticks with her.
Michelle
I’m not married yet, but I recently got engaged to a wonderful man. This article was such an interesting read!
Paige
Congratulations on your engagement! When is the big day?
Malin - Sensational Learning with Penguin
Happy anniversary! Lovely post, I enjoyed reading about how your relationship has developed over time. My hubby and I also met at a young age. We got engaged after just three months and that will be 25 years ago in the spring. Though it took us 6 more years to get married after that, so we’ll only be on our 19th wedding anniversary x
Paige
Thank you! That is a long engagement. Nineteen years of marriage is awesome! Congratulations!
Nicole
So awesome love hearing your perspective. We have been married 7 years so still growing!
Sarah
What a beautiful post. For me and my partner, trust is one of the most important parts of our relationship as we are long-distance most of the time.
Paige
Thank you, Sarah. I’ve never been in a long-distance relationship, but can definitely see how long-distance would involve trust. I admire you!
Britt
Happy anniversary! We’ve been married a much shorter time, 7 years, but we’ve definitely been tested in that time from a cancer diagnosis to career changes, family health concerns to financial challenges. One thing that we’ve subscribed to that seems to help us is that one weekend every month we have a ‘getaway’. This could be a trip somewhere further away or simply a local airbnb. Stuck on cash? There are a lot of free locations you can camp during the warmer weather. The point is to walk away from all the stress and demands of our life and just be together, us and our pups, for that period of time. It has worked wonders not only for our relationship but also for both of our mental health.
Paige
So much can go on in a marriage for sure. It sounds like you have it pretty figured out and are able to get through those tough times. We haven’t taken too many trips in our marriage, at least not without the kids. They are in college now, so we have lots of time to ourselves. I like the sound of getting away from stress and life’s demands!
Jo
Such a great post, I really enjoyed the read! I think it’s so important to acknowledge and understand the different forms that love will come in depending on the individuals. I love that you said though you no longer get butterflies you have a send of security and comfort which I think is far stronger that momentary butterflies.
I’m in my first year of marriage and I hope to be able to write a similar story celebrating 25 years with my husband! Congratulations and thank you for sharing your life 🙂
Paige
Thank you so much! I can’t wait to read your 25th wedding anniversary post!
Natalie Osborne
Paige… I’m so proud of you. The spirit of truth and humility comes out in your post. I was truly inspired and know others are as well. Love you.
Paige
Awe… Thank you, Natalie. Just think, you have been with us from day 1 of our marriage!
Kasandra
Congratulations! 25 years is amazing!
Thank you for being real about your relationship and not only showcasing the “rainbows and butterflies” days. My husband and I have been together ten years, married for 4.5, and I can relate to some of these. I think “wow, 25 years seems so far away”, but I’m sure that time will fly and be here before we know it.
I really enjoyed reading your post. 🙂
Paige
It really does go by fast. I think it appears to go by faster when there’s kids in the mix. Congrats on your 10 years!
Kareena
Great post on marriage. For my husband and I, communication is key! The more we communicate with each other the greater the opportunity to understand and love each other more each day. Thanks for sharing.
Paige
Kareena, you are absolutely right! Without communication, all kinds of bad things can happen. Thank you for reading!
Amy
This is an amazing post, very heartfelt and endearing
Paige
Thank you, Amy. I wasn’t sure about putting it out there. I’m glad I did.
Rebecca Young
He TOTALLY crawled back! 😉 Love you guys and your amazing marriage! If it were not for you, I would not have mine!
Paige
We know the truth! Love you!
Brittney Yonkers
I love this. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, but we’ve been together since we were in high school.
Your story reminds me a lot of us. Except instead of hallmark movies, you’ll find me watching Grey’s Anatomy while my husband in tinkering in the garage working on whatever project he’s got going on at the moment!
Him and I couldn’t be more different yet so in sync at the same time.
Congratulations to you guys! 25 years is a long time!
Paige
Congratulations to both of you as well! I love Grey’s Anatomy too.
Megan
I can relate to this so much, and I hope in 15 years I can write a beautiful love story too. My husband and I started dating when I was 18, married 5.5 years later and now have two little girls (2 and & 7 months). It. Is. Hard. We are really struggling to get into this new groove as a couple. The fishing and Hallmark movies couldn’t be more true for our personalities too 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story!
Paige
Thank you for reading! I love hearing about couples getting together at a young age. Keep watching those Hallmark movies!
Miranda Adejare
Omg yes! On all of it! I’ve been married for three and a half years. Together for almost seven and all of this is 100% true! Every marriage is different and it is extremely important to trust fully! I have one friend who is a guy and I have known him since 2003 so when I met my husband I told him from the start I need him to be okay with this guy because he’s family. We almost died together in a car accident and he’s family for life. And my husband was okay with it. And now his wife and I got pregnant around the same time, we bought houses around the same time and got married one year and one month apart and my husband considers him family too. Trust and honesty is #1 in our marriage.
Looking forward to more of your posts. Thanks for sharing!
Paige
You have an understanding and trusting marriage. I think your friendship with your guy friend and now his family sounds awesome!